Monday, October 30, 2017

Real horror story of my life ,a deep sorrow and regret which will never leave me !



Honestly  i did not  want  to  share  this  , i  don't  want  to  even  right  now   but  i  am  feeling   stuck   painfully  by  the  sense  of  being   guilty .

Yes   guilty   of  a  murder  of  a  living  being. May   be  i   let    this  dark  story  release   out   of  me   and  can  get   some   peace.




When  i  was   in  my   teens  or  even   before    i  loved  birds.  We  used  to   have  a swing   with  an  old    huge   berry   tree.

I  read  many  digests  and  novels  ,fables  and   poetry   while  swinging  on  that   swing .Even   often   took   my  tea   while   slight   movement   of  swing.



As   i   mentioned  that  due  to   high   part   of  land   winters  were  very   hard  though   not   snowy .But   mostly   windy   and   heavily  rainy.

In  such   weather   sometimes  i   woke up  in  mornings  and  found  a   dead  body   of   birds   or  bird   which   was  injured .

Whenever    i  found  an  injured   bird   i  brought   it  home   

and   put    it  in  my  shoe   box  which  had  thick   cozy  

 blanket  like   clothes  to  comfort    it.  I  apply   medi  cream  and  kept  them  there  until  they  feel   better   and   fly   away .


In  our   village   no   one  ever   had  pet  because  they   find   it  an  act   which  can  damage   their  neatness (their opinion) .

Mom   was  only  one  from   village  who  not  only   sent  her  

girls   school   but  had   a   pet  . It   was  greyish   kitten  with  
black  strips   on. It   was   surprise   for  we   both   sisters  .But   soon   she   became   our   most   favorite   toy .


   I   must   mention  here  that 

My   mom  used   to   tell   me   many   times   that  when  she  lived  on  rent  in  city   before  coming  to  village   once  

 when   i   was  baby   i  strangely    got   locked  in  a   room   and   door  had   not   auto   lock  it  was  old   fashioned    

lock   which   one   lock by   himself . Later  Mom  was  able   to  open  door    but  she   was  very   scared   because  she  

 saw  a  black   cat   running   away   from  the   same   room. I   fell   ill  for  weeks   which  mom  found    mysterious   .



 She   was  really   a  wise   and  broad   minded  but   after   this   

incident   she   remained   superstitious  for   months  and   scared   of   cats .


So  we   were  happy  to   have   cat   who  was  growing  front  of  us  quickly .Soon   she   gave   birth  to   three   kittens   and  we   were  happier  .


In  next   winters    kittens   were  almost   three   months   old .
 One   day   a  huge   thunderstorm  came   and  next   morning  it  was  mess  in  the  yard   and   specially   in   

garden   area .


Weather  was  extremely  cold  (could be below  zero) . When   after   breakfast  i  came   towards   my   swing  i   saw  a  bird  (may  be  dove)   hanging  in   the   branch  .it's  
 one  leg  was   wrapped  in  some   kind   of   thread   or   hair   may  be ,it's   head   was  hanging  in  opposite   direction  

,head   down   and  legs  above . I  swiftly  cut   the  thread   took   it  in  my  hand  bowl   and  ran   to   room  as  it  was  still   breathing .


In   short   after  two  days   it  seemed   ready   to  fly  while  wandering   quickly  in   my   shoe   box   and  making  healthy  noise. 


I  took   it  in  my  hands  and  sat  on  desk  as  wanted  to  give  it  a  goodbye   kiss. Suddenly   one  of  our  kitten   jumped  over  my   hand  and  hold  the  bird  .A  scream  which  echoes  still  in  my  head  often  came  from  my  mouth  .


Small  cat   seemed   insane   ,it  was   not  giving  up  and  nor   i  was  leaving   the   bird  ,my  eyes  must   had  lots  of   water   running  from  them  and   screams  from  my  mouth  ,terror   and  pity   for   poor   little   bird   crushed   my   heart   and   all   it  happened  in  sudden   and  within   a  moment  .I  don't  remember  ,swear   of  dear   God   i  really  don't   know   how   i   took   a  thick   stick  from  ground   and   hit   the  cat  (who  left  the  bird  out   of  fear   may  be  and  stepped   back ) as  hard   as  i  could (tears).............................................


Next   moment  i  saw  the  small  cat  was   vomiting  blood  and  she  became   still   at   same   moment .I   still   had   bird  in   my   left   hand   which  was  dead   and  torn  as  his  neck  was  almost  cut  from  body .


I  sat  still  with   a  feeling  for  which   word  shock  is  not  enough .Mom  came   from  bathroom  and  horrified  with   my   condition   and  all  mess  around . Those   were  winter  vacations  which  turned  into  black   miserable  memories . Mom  buried   both  in  her  garden  area . School   reopened  but   i   could   not   go   for  many   days . Eyes   of   dying   small   cat  were   following  me   everywhere .Her   blood   throwing   mouth   and   painful   face  was   tearing  my   soul.


I    knew   i   did  not   do   it  deliberately   but   i  knew   that  did  it  , i  killed   our    cute   little  cat  who's   mom   was  like   our   family  member .It   was  an  instant   reaction   but   it   eats   me  innately .

My   conscience   charged  me   guilty   with  murder  of  and  innocent  cat   who   i   don't  know  why  did   that   weird  act   suddenly   .This   is  an   only   burden  but  weighs  alot  .It   is   not   letting  be   my   joys   complete   and   my   soul   lighter .


I   gathered   this  courage  with   effort   to   share    this  dark   story   with  you   my   precious   friends  .Please   say  what   you  think  is  right ,be  neutral  .

Take  great  care  dears .
God  bless you all! 



47 comments:

  1. Sounds as your reaction was to save the bird, not hurt the cat. Put it in God's hand and let it go, I am sure you are forgiven in his eyes.

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    1. Do you think so!
      Thank you for encouraging Joe!

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  2. Dear Baili, even as adults we sometimes are trying to do the right thing and it goes awry. Don't be so hard on yourself, you were just a child and could not see the dangers that having both a bird and cat in the house at the same time could potentially cause. It was an innocent mistake. Forgive yourself and put it to rest for your own peace of mind. I hope you feel better having released that story to the universe.
    Hugs,
    Carol

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  3. You did not intend hard, Baili. Forgive yourself and let it go.

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  4. Stuff happens and it was a simple reaction. Quit beating yourself up, it was not your fault. Time to let it go.

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  5. Oh Baili, I feel your pain but it was totally not your fault, you have such a soft good heart.

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    1. My dear Friends Carol , christin ,Marie and Sharon thank you so much for kind words and concern.
      i respect the sweetness of your loving hearts for me !

      Delete
  6. Oh, baili, I feel the pain in your words. Years ago I was struggling with how to forgive someone close to me. I found a very good book that changed my whole outlook on forgiveness. In a nutshell, what the book said was that to forgive someone you must realize that we ALL do the best we can with the knowledge we have at that time. No one wakes up in the morning thinking "how can I hurt someone today" . . . I think this applies to ourselves too. You were young, you felt protective of the bird, you didn't have enough life experience to be in good control of your emotions. And you were faced with a very hard choice between two animals you felt loving toward. Many adults would have a hard time with that choice. I know I would. You did the best you could at the time. Forgive yourself.

    You are such a kind person; I can understand why this still bothers you. I think these mistakes that we make (and we all make them in some form or another, unless we are extremely lucky) - the mistakes make us better people going forward.

    When my husband and I were married, and we were ready to leave for our honeymoon, some of our relatives had blocked our cars in with their cars, a joke to make us think we could not leave. One of the cars was mine, and I had the keys, so I got in and quickly backed it away from the car we were taking on our trip. I was upset and did it without checking behind. It happened that my only brother and his little girl were behind the car. Only by moving quickly did they escape getting hurt, by ME. I felt horrible. And I've never forgotten it. I am always careful backing up now, no matter how impatient or upset I am. I am just very lucky that I did not cause a tragedy that day. Sometimes luck is on our side, and sometimes it is not. I think the day you describe in your life, luck was not with you. But everything that happens affects who we become, and perhaps you have an extra measure of empathy because of what happened to you.

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    1. Dear Jenny i am honoured that you read me with such love and responsed with such concern!

      (Tears in my eyes), oh yes i have much of them)


      Reading about accident that happened unwillingly by you to your precious loved ones made me shiver............

      It was indeed the Grace of Lord that it did not turn into an unforgivable tragedy .

      Thank you sooo much for sharing your heart with me my precious friend! It certainly helps me to feel at ease as those living being were not humans at least!

      Yes this incident made me more kind to everyone around me ,this fear that may anybody should not be hurt by me keeps me be more humble and gentle to others ,at least i try it from my side all the time . i ask for forgiveness from my Creator but could not forgive myself .
      sharing this post turned a positive and blessed experience for me .and i am sure that i will succeed to uproot this self blaming from my insidious world completely soon.

      Delete
  7. I agree with Joe, first off the cat did what was natural for it, and you also did what is natural for you, that was to protect the bird, your intention was definitely not to kill the cat but to save the bird. You have definitely been forgiven by God and really did nothing wrong intentionally, I agree you should let it go and to not think bad of yourself because of what happened while you were protecting the little bird.

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    1. Thank you Jimmy!

      I am sitting for breakfast but first wanted to see words from my dear friends including you!

      I feel BLESSED TO HAVE YOU ALL WITH ME!!!

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  8. Replies
    1. Thank you dear Sandi!

      For holding Me!!!

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  9. I am sorry that you had such a traumatizing experience. I also love animals and I think that I would have felt the same way. You were trying to save the bird. You meant to do the right thing. You did not intentionally hurt that cat. I know that something like this may hurt no matter what people say, but I hope that you do find some peace. Take care.

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    1. Brian this incident is the only thing that is Burden on my conscience.

      Whenever I am happy it peek from any corner of my heart and pinch hard .

      Thank you so much for precious kind words .
      I am sure they will help me to rise within painful sense of guilt

      Delete
  10. I don't know what to offer that might compare with the excellent comments over mine. I can only say, such things happen to us and we learn. Be at peace. Be at peace.

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    1. Thank you my friend for kind support.
      I really appreciate this!

      Delete
  11. It was a natural reaction for you to protect the bird.

    Am sure God forgave you a long time ago for your innocent reaction that caused another consequence. Now you need to forgive yourself xx

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    1. Dear Cherie thank you for taking time to drop me some support.
      God knows what we have inside and thus he knew my intentions hopefully

      Delete
  12. We are all so hard on our adult-selves, beating ourselves up for spontaneous actions of our child-selves. Hopefully sharing your story will ease your pain. If not, sit quietly and imagine adult-Baili pulling child-Baili onto her lap, holding her tight and telling her that it's okay, and praising her for her nurturing love of birds and cats.

    You are a wonderful soul, my friend.

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    1. Thank you dear Toni!

      Your beautiful advise worked for me my friend!

      Little baili cried as never before. So did I.
      May that tears took the lament along

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  13. This is such a sad story. I am sure you did a good thing by rescuing the little bird from the plight of hanging from the line. That was a good thing. You have a kind heart. The kitten did what it does naturally. Cats eat birds in order to continue living. It may have been heart-breaking but it was not bad when it attacked the bird. Since you have a kind heart your first instinct was to protect the bird because it was injured. You did the first thing you thought of and hit the kitten with the stick because that was the first way you saw to accomplish what you needed to do. Not any of you were wrong. Each was doing what comes by nature. I am sorry the animals died. It was not the fault of any. You are too hard on yourself. Continue to love and your rewards will continue as well.

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    1. Dear Emma what hurt most to think about complexity of human nature .

      I cannot bear to even think that i have such instinct inside me which can be as horrible for any living being

      Delete
  14. Your beautiful and caring soul shines forth in this story. It is truly sad that both animals died and I agree with the others that you were trying to save the bird. Sometimes in our haste, we forget the larger consequences of our actions. You were but a child. Sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves but one of God's great gifts is forgiveness. I wish you many blessings my friend.

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    1. Thank you my precious fellow!

      it was as instant reaction as a blink of an eye!

      i could not find out what am i going to do and what have i done !

      but later guilt hold my heart as tight as will squeeze it to death.

      in almost 30 years it healed but there remained some pain under the surface which keep yelling at me once in while

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  15. Baili, if I were you, I would do exactly the same. I wouldn't let the cat eat the bird in front of my eyes. This is what you did. Do not blame yourself. You did not mean to kill the cat. So do not feel guilty. Accidents happen. Kisses, my friend.

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  16. It was not your fault.
    That's Nature.
    Tahat can sometimes be very cruel.

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  17. You Baili are such are caring soul. That was nature what happened, not your fault. You nursed the bird back to health, you can heal but the cat my it's nature wanted that bird - that's life at times :)

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    1. Thank you dear Margaret and Pedro!

      your kind response is acknowledged and appreciated much more here

      Delete
  18. It was not your fault, it was an instinctive reaction to save the bird.

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    1. thank you dear Ausiroo!

      for your sweet visit and support!

      Delete
  19. Oh, I'm sorry, Baili. We all have tragic stories like these, I think. We try so hard to do the right thing......but sometimes it turns out tragically. You have to forgive yourself and then remember to use that grace to forgive others for their mistakes. Then the little deaths will not be in vain. Sending hugs and blessings so you will smile. xo Karen

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  20. Oh dear what a very sad story. If it helps I as a child accidently fell on my brother's pet mouse and squashed it with my hand so I feel your pain.
    Big Hugs xx

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  21. There are memories that plague us all. Glad you could let this one out and hopefully let it go.

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  22. You have a good heart, Baili. Maybe for that brief moment you were trying to protect the bird. I'm sorry you kept this inside your heart all this time. Sending you a comforting hug, my dear.

    ~Sheri

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  23. It was never your intention to kill the cat but a swift action to safe the bird from the cat. It is good that finally you have managed to get it out from your system and need not have to entertain false guilt! Hugs!

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    1. Thank you dear Karen, Annie, Prunella, Red rose and Nancy for your precious kind words to support Me!!!

      Delete
  24. Hi, Baili! I'm easing back into blogging after taking a break. I was overwhelmed by all I needed to do after a lot of traveling and being so sick in August, and then I have cataract surgery coming up, so lots of appointments. connected with that.

    So I promised myself that I would sit down and read all of your posts that I had missed during my breaks. You are an amazing person, and I love how much you share yourself with others. You are the farthest thing from the Most Boring Person on the Planet. You think and feel deeply and have experienced so many things that are very different from my life. What strikes me is your faith, intelligence, compassion, and uniqueness.

    This post is so sad ~ But you must let this dark memory go! The cat was just following its instincts, as were you in trying to protect the bird. God knows your heart, Baili, and it is beautiful. Yes, I believe in conscience, and it is your strong conscience that is making you feel so deeply about this tragic event.

    I smiled, okay, laughed a little reading about your "flaws." They are so similar to mine. I always listened to the radio while doing homework. I used to sneak out of my bedroom and listen to the tv long past my bedtime, and my parents never realized it. And reading ~ my goodness, even today I'd go crazy if I couldn't read.

    I loved the story of your long walk and conversation with your husband in Islamabad. What a special memory. You have been blessed with a loving and respectful relationship. I love that your hubby rubs your shoulders and makes you tea and that he supports your being you. Not all men are so confident and secure in themselves that they can let their wives be themselves.

    I also loved learning more about the women in your country. I was watching a short video on PBS last night about young women who are learning mountain climbing in Pakistan. You and Malala are my personal images of courageous women in your country.

    Your story about Hina and her attitude towards studying had me shaking my head at her craziness. I took the equivalent of your state exams during my last year in high school. We called them "Provincials." When I went to write my first three hour exam I threw up at the entrance to the exam room because I was so nervous. I always pressured myself about grades. You had a much healthier attitude!

    I'm glad that your son is settling in and enjoying his studies. I hope he doesn't find Germany too cold! We've been having wild swings of temperature here in Colorado.

    As for diplomacy and hypocrisy:
    Diplomacy is dealing effectively with other people, person to person or country to country, in a sensitive and thoughtful way.

    Hypocrisy is pretending to have high morals, principles, or religious beliefs while acting the opposite way. Hypocrisy is the human characteristic I hate perhaps most of all. I especially dislike hypocrites who tell you how you should live when secretly they don't follow their own advice ~ Like the anti-abortion congressman who sponsored a bill in Congress to make it a crime to have an abortion after twenty weeks and then told his mistress to get an abortion when he thought she was pregnant. Or the evangelical preachers who talk about family values and the importance of marriage while they're sneaking around having affairs with women who are not their wives. Or the attorney general and later governor of a state who ruthlessly prosecuted prostitutes in his state while hiring them for his pleasure in another state. Hypocrites make me crazy, and too often they are religious or government leaders.

    Well, I have to run. My husband is pacing around the kitchen looking hungry. So I'd better get dinner!

    I have so enjoyed catching up with you, and I hope I don't fall this far behind again! Sending you hugs and love!

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    1. Yikes! Sorry this is so long!

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    2. Dear Louise you are are beyond generous my precious friend!

      I don't have appropriate words to say you

      THANK YOU SOOOOÒOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....MUCH FOR TAKING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME AND READING ME!!!

      I am truly honoured and overwhelmed by your love and affection towards Me!

      I am sorry about your surgery. Hope and pray that you are feeling better now!

      Missed reading your beautiful profound and inspiring posts lot!
      Glad you are back my friend!

      Yes I am dam lucky to have really wonderful, responsible, caring and loving life partner!!!

      I am not a good diplomate so don't have much friends.

      I tried to avoid other's hypocrisy but can't so prefer to be with me and with my family only.

      From the bottom of my heart i say thank you again for your kind comments that pour life in me always!

      Delete
    3. You brighten my day, Baili! Hugs and love to you!

      Delete
  25. Hi Baili,

    I do hope you feel lighter now after sharing this guilt which you carried for so long. We all are non-judgemental and we are here for you. All the best my dear,

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  26. Dear Baili, I read this post and then all the comments preceding my own. First, you did not do anything terrible because you were not acting malaciousky or with an intent to harm the kitten. You simply wanted to protect the bird you had rescued from further harm. The kitten did not know any better as its natural instinct is to hunt and attack. So sad that you carried this guilt and sadness for so many years. It shows how deeply you care. I hope your conscience is eased by our comments. You are indeed a very special person and I am honored to have met you through this blog world.

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  27. Oh, Baili, this is such a heartbreaking story. I can only image the pain in your heart. But you must release this memory. You did not mean any harm; you were simply trying to discourage the cat and save the bird. It truly is an accident that continues to haunt you. I feel great empathy for animals, so I completely understand how you must feel. I used to try to save birds, too, when I was young. I climbed a high fence once to release a bird tangled in a tree. It was shrieking while it was stuck and that sound pierced through my heart and right down to my very soul. So I went over that fence and into a neighbour's yard (without the neighbour's permission) and set it free. Till this day I can still hear that sound of agony. You see, I understand you, Baili. You wanted to do good. It's just an unfortunate incident that you didn't intend to happen. Forgive yourself and set this memory free.

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  28. Baili, you didn't mean to hurt the cat... it was a total accident... I can tell how much you love animals, taking in birds and helping them to become healthy again so they could fly again xox Forgive yourself, you deserve that from yourself xox

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  29. My friend, I am so sorry this happened to you! But, what you did, was an accident! You did not mean to kill the cat!!! You have a loving soul! Big Hugs!

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  30. Your pain comes through in your post... but please it was not your fault, you have a good heart.

    All the best Jan

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